Raising Teenagers

Everyone knows raising teenagers is no cake walk. When my children were 2 & 3 years old I asked parents who had teens, "What's it like? Will it get easier?" The responses I got was, "It's just different." Looking back on this I now get it. Teenagers are very similar to 2-3 year olds. They are both difficult and needy at the same time. Here are a few tips I have learned from my own teens and working as a therapist and school counselor.

1.) LISTEN If you are curious about what’s going on in your teen’s life, asking direct questions might not be as effective as simply sitting back and listening. Kids are more likely to be open with their parents if they don’t feel pressured to share information. Remember even an offhand comment about something that happened during the day is their way of reaching out, and you’re likely to hear more if you stay open and interested — but not prying.

2.) VALIDATE THEIR FEELINGS It is often our tendency to try to solve problems for our kids, But saying something like “They weren’t right for you anyway” after a break up can feel dismissive. Instead, show kids that you understand and empathize by reflecting their sentiments back: “Wow, that does sound difficult.”

3.) SHOW THEM YOU CAN TRUST THEM (sometimes). Give your teen a chance to show you they can earn your trust. Asking them to run an errand, or help you with something important and PRAISING them after they succefully do something is so important in building a relationship of trust.

4.) CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS It’s easy to lose your temper when your teen is being rude. Remember that you’re the adult and they are less able to control their emotions or think logically when they’re upset. Count to ten or take some deep breaths before responding. If you’re both too upset to talk, hit pause until you’ve had a chance to calm down.

5.) DO THINGS TOGETHER Talking isn’t the only way to communicate, and during these years it’s great if you can spend time doing things you both enjoy, whether it’s cooking or hiking or going to the movies, without talking about anything personal. It’s important for kids to know that they can be in proximity to you, and share positive experiences, without having to worry that you will pop intrusive questions or call them out for something.

6.). EAT DINNER AT THE TABLE. Spend time together, turn the tv and cell phones off and make time to eat at the table. Dinner time is a grounding experience and gives you time to check in with your family and hear about their day.

7.) BE AWARE OF WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOUR TEEN It’s normal for kids to go through some changes as they mature, but pay attention if you notice changes to their mood, behavior, energy level, or appetite. Likewise, take note if they stop wanting to do things that used to make them happy, or if you notice them isolating. If you see a change in your teen’s daily ability to function, ask them about it and be supportive (without being judgmental). They may need your help and it could be a sign they need to see a mental health professional.